Shifting Roles

Throughout the course of a successful marriage or long-term commitment, the two people in the relationship may shift in and out of various roles. For example, one person in the couple may support the other person going back to school. In order to do this, he or she steps into a supporting role, setting aside certain goals or aspirations in order to provide a stable base from which his or her partner can launch in a new direction. There are many gifts of learning inherent in this role—from having the opportunity to embody a nurturing stance to feeling the pleasure of seeing a loved one thrive. When our partner expands his or her horizons, ours expand, too, and we gain access to a world that would otherwise remain closed to us.

However, there is also much to be said for having a turn to be the one stepping outside the box, perhaps taking time to attend to our personal healing, spiritual pursuits, or other interests. In order to maintain balance within our relationships, it’s important that we address these issues each time one person steps into a supporting role so the other can try something new. When we are conscious about acknowledging that one person is bearing a bit more of a burden so that the other can grow, we stand a better chance of making sure the ebb and flow in the relationship remains fair and equal.

The most important part of this process is open communication in which each person has a chance to express how they feel and come to an understanding about the roles they have agreed to play and when they expect them to shift. Each time a dynamic shift occurs, a ceremony of acknowledgment can lend an air of distinction to the moment. This can be a simple dinner date or an elaborate ritual, depending upon what works best for us at the time. Perhaps the most important thing is expressing gratitude to the person in the supporting role and encouragement to the person moving in a new direction. When the flow of feeling and communication is open, a healthy closeness develops that allows each person in the relationship to have a turn at each of these important roles.

DailyOM

Nearly Wordless Wednesday: Happy married couple day!

Priscilla and Aquila

Wordless Wednesday: Wedding anniversary

Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment

Though we may make many commitments throughout our time on earth, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love—to bond yourself to them completely—is unlike any other and can reshape your existence. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind and the soul as well as with the heart. Carefully considering whether you truly want to get married, both individually and as a couple, can ensure that if you do choose to marry, your relationship can grow to unimaginable depths.

The decision-making process you employ to determine whether you should marry should be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional or spiritual gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Your attitudes regarding the nature of marital commitment, children and child rearing, and marital roles may be the same or they may differ. It is your shared responsibility to discuss your similarities and come to agreements regarding your differences that will predict how successful your future marriage will be. Often times, younger couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Would you still be willing to be married if you couldn’t have these things?

Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon and nesting period will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life. When you work together with your partner, reassure and support one another, and are honest about your feelings regarding marriage, you’ll come to the right decision.

DailyOM

Love, Honour & Ignore

Juggling a job, childcare and housework can be tricky, says Jenny Tucker – for her husband

My husband has glitter in his hair, porridge stuck to his lapel, the smell of Flash Fresh Lemon on his fingertips and a document he hasn’t had time to read under his arm. He is walking around in this zesty, sparkly disarray because, this weekend, I have expected him to decorate a birthday card with our six-year-old, make breakfast, wipe the kitchen floor and then go back to his office, where he will work his exhausted butt off to bring home a crust.

If I’m honest, I feel a bit sorry for him. But these are modern times and men are expected to pull their weight when it comes to being the perfect alpha male (which, incidentally, is now a quirky mix of hunter man and nurturing woman). But, hold on, while he’s fine-tuning his feminine side, have I forgotten my obligations to love, cherish and prepare a home-cooked meal? Now I come to think of it, when was the last time I acted like a wife?

I regularly throw a plate of pesto pasta in front of him, before vanishing out of the door to Pilates, so it’s not like I neglect him completely. But compare that with my parents’ relationship back in the day and my husband has a pretty raw deal. Every morning, my mum got up at 7am to polish Dad’s shoes and make him bacon and eggs before he set off for work. In contrast, my husband gets a cooked breakfast on Christmas morning. If he ever asked me to polish his shoes, I’d throw them at him.

But is this something I should be proud of? My wifely skills are so rusty that, when I opened the bedroom curtains the other day, a cobweb fell on my face. Just as I was balanced on the window ledge with a feather duster, my best friend phoned. I told her what I was doing. ‘Now get down and stop being silly,’ she said. ‘That’s a job for someone who’s paid on an hourly basis.’

She’s right in a way. I work, as well as put in the majority of the childcare, so there’s no reason I should start donning a pinny and pushing a hostess trolley around, but would it be so wrong if I prioritised my husband sometimes? Somehow, feminism has evolved from being liberating into a power struggle, making us feel it’s demeaning to iron our husband’s shirts. One of the worst things I’ve heard was a friend boasting that she separates her husband’s washing from hers. ‘I work hard,’ she growled. ‘Why should I clean his stuff? I’m not his servant!’

Yet if my husband was as blatantly resentful towards me, I’d be considering divorce. It seems cruel and pointless. And not the stuff that happy marriages are made of. One couple I know still seem entranced with each other after 15 years. Even though they both work, she cooks, cleans, smiles a lot and gives him plenty of affection. For his part, he cooks, cleans, plays with their kids a lot and recently bought her an enviable pair of diamond earrings for their anniversary. I suppose it comes down to the fact they don’t mind looking after each other. Unlike Washing Regulator Friend, who appears to be in competition with her partner.

And so I ask my husband if I make a good wife. ‘Oh, I’ve had better,’ he says (hilariously). I tell him to be serious. Do I meet the traditional requirements of a wife? He ponders for some time. ‘You cook lovely dinners, the house is usually tidy and I think you’re sexy. You could try letting me watch a bit more football, though.’

And so, in the spirit of becoming just a teeny bit more wifely, I have made a promise to myself that I will cook a couple of times a week. I might even get the duster out now and again. And I will never, ever separate his dirty socks from mine.

I still draw the line at polishing his shoes, though.