We may get a few laughter lines, but at least we get to keep our own hair. Guy Browning reveals how it feels to go egghead.
To be absolutely honest with you, baldness is not something you wish fervently for when you’re a young man. What you want is thick, lustrous hair for women to run their fingers through. Starting to lose your hair, especially when you’re in your twenties, is like death tapping you on the shoulder and saying ‘it’s all downhill from here.’
Being completely bald is a lot better than being half bald. At that stage you don’t know what to do with the remaining hair and going to the hairdresser becomes a bit of an embarrassment. You know you’re losing your hair, they know you’re losing your hair, but you both maintain the polite fiction that your hair is simply on a short vacation. Receding is like retreating; you know the ultimate battle is lost and you just want to get it over with. That’s why the eventual Britney Spears once-over-with-the-clippers comes as a massive relief. You can finally get on with your life as a fully-fledged card-carrying slaphead.
Bald men like to comfort themselves with the thought that they are better in bed than their more hirsute brothers. This is clearly a myth started by bald men in the hope that it will in some way compensate for looking like an alien. But is it a myth? Science says very clearly that the male sex hormone is testosterone and that baldness derives from an excess of testosterone. So bald men potentially have a much more powerful sex drive than feminine men with lush hair. Sadly, a lot of this potential remains potential because most women won’t give us a second look. But once you’ve been to bed with a real bald man, you never go back to those hairy lady-boys.
There are a few fringe benefits of being bald. The principal one is you don’t have to worry about your fringe. Or any other part of your hairstyle. For example, the current fashion in men’s ‘do’s is the startled hedgehog look. We baldies don’t have to put ourselves through this humiliation. That’s not to say all ‘trend’ cuts are an impossibility. Indeed, 10 years ago, eggheads were thrown a lifeline by David Beckham. It became hip to have a buzz cut. From then on we could pretend to be the proud possessors of an achingly trendy haircut taken to its logical extreme.
There’s another big advantage to being follically challenged, as you can forget about the ‘visible signs of ageing’ for the next 50 years. You then get continuous amusement when your hairy friends complain of going grey. Equally gratifying is when your middle-aged friends start to lose it on top and do the dance of the seven mirrors to view their little spreading bald spots.
Most bald men are pretty realistic about their condition. We know that when women look at us (accidentally for the most part) you’re not thinking Bruce Willis or Yul Brynner. We know you’re thinking, ‘He’s a baldie and I don’t go out with bald men.’ We accept that you’re less likely to fall in love with a baldie at first sight and we know that none of your chick-lit heroes are strikingly hairless.
But we also know that women distinguish between different types of bald men. They hate bald men who comb over; they hate wigs, pieces and extensions; and they’re not too keen on hats. What they don’t mind is men who don’t mind. If we’ve got the confidence to carry off being bald then we’ve probably got the confidence to carry off all sorts of other things. Including you.
The Daily Waffle 