What About Me?

Love being a mum, but wonder what happened to you? Don’t panic – your identity crisis is normal and a new you will emerge

Being a new mum is all consuming, so it’s little wonder grooming – of the mind as well as body – is put on hold for a while. But somewhere along the line you will ask yourself, ‘What about me?’ Mum-of-three Carol Dyce asked herself the very same question…

It’s funny how the most innocent of comments can get to you. ‘I saw you faffing about with the buggy in the rain,’ a friend laughed. Suddenly, that image of me, flustered and soaking wet, struggling to get the raincover over my 2-year-old Molly, seemed a snapshot of my life. Yep, that’ll be me – frazzled mum in a cagoule. Even worse, whisper it – it was my husband’s cagoule. Oh, the shame of it…

But we’ve all had those moments. Rushing along, you catch the reflection of a frumpy bag in a shop window – eek, it’s you! It’s true that, however blessed you feel to be a mum, suddenly your life is different and people treat you differently. No wonder you can fear the ‘old you’ is lost amid your new role and responsibilities.

You are not alone
This postnatal identity crisis is inevitable – and normal – according to chartered counselling psychologist Jacqui Marson. ‘After the excitement of pregnancy and being the centre of attention, then the euphoria of a new baby, most women feel a void,’ says Jacqui, who specialises in helping women make the transition to motherhood and is a mum of two herself. ‘The central markers of your identity are taken away and sometimes you don’t realise how much you define yourself by them until they’re not there, even temporarily. You may think, “I’m good at my job” and be used to people hanging on to your every word, or pride yourself on being calm and in control. But that can go out the window with the demands of a baby who doesn’t neatly fit into schedules or deadlines. Maybe you’ve always prided yourself on your body and don’t feel like you now you’re bigger.’

Niki Walton, 31, mum to Zak, 1 1/2, relates to this all too well. ‘Before I had Zak, I had a great job with an airline and was fulfilled by my career. Now I’m at home with my baby and my days revolve around him. I adore him, but each day I wake up and think about what baby activity we can do that day, when really I long to do something for me – so I feel like myself again. I used to love clothes, but everything seems to have gone to pot – including my stomach! I’m a dress size bigger now, and rarely wear smart clothes and make-up. I feel a mess, which has changed my attitude towards myself.’

Where’s your confidence?
Ironic, isn’t it? Giving birth gives you the ultimate empowerment. You feel – scrap that, you know – you can do anything now. But then that identity crisis and its sidekick – confidence crisis – hits.

‘I pretend to everyone that my life as a mum is so rewarding when really I haven’t got a clue what direction my life is going in,’ admits Niki. ‘I’m a single mum and can’t afford childcare even if I got a job. I keep thinking to myself, “Is this it? Is this my life forever?” I can’t see beyond being a mum. I want to do the best for my son, but I want to get the “old” Niki back, too.’

Most new mums go through this phase of feeling ‘invisible’. Ever made a point of telling people you’re on maternity leave as if being a mum isn’t ‘enough’? Me too! But it’s not dismissing motherhood, it’s more to do with being used to a large part of your identity being your work.

Your priorities change
Another symptom of a new mum’s identity crisis is trying to be all things to all people. I remember being keen to prove to my friends without children, I hadn’t ‘changed’. Party? Hey, I’ll be there. What was I thinking? Of course being a mum changes you and, most of all, changes your priorities. ‘This confusion is because you’re in transition,’ says Jacqui. ‘Motherhood is one of the most transitional periods of your life, so give yourself time to ease into your new role.’

So how best to cope? ‘The first step is to “normalise” your experience,’ says Jacqui. ‘Find some honest mum friends who you can talk to. It puts things in perspective.’ Too right. Nothing’s worse than confiding in someone, only to be met with a raised eyebrow and smug, ‘Really? I love being a mum.’

And the identity crisis evolves as you have more children and your time is more taken up with them and, as a result, perhaps your work patterns have changed. ‘I loved being known as Tiffany at work, not just a wife and mum,’ says Tiffany Bieeu, 27, mum to Sami, 5, and Laila, 4. ‘I went back full time as a customer services manager for a year after Laila was born but just wasn’t seeing the kids enough, so I left. But I miss the social life that comes with a job. I used to love clubbing, but am afraid I wouldn’t fit in any more. The other day though, someone handed me a flyer for a club and I was chuffed he thought I looked like a clubber. Mind you, I didn’t have the buggy with me!

‘Mostly, I’m happy and remind myself it was my choice to have kids. But I feel like a robot sometimes with the endless, boring chores and things to remember.’

Tiffany’s moment of truth? ‘One day I picked up my 8-year-old brother Joseph from school, which I’ve done loads of times with my own kids. At first they wouldn’t let him come with me as they didn’t recognise me on my own, without my kids in tow!’

Easier said than done, we know, but to regain your identity, you need to fit in some me-time. ‘I’ve got a friend who doesn’t have kids and once a month we go out,’ says Tiffany. ‘She knows me for me and that gives me a boost.’ And never underestimate thinking positive. ‘I do things with the kids like baking so I get enjoyment out of it, too,’ says Tiffany.

Spot-on. ‘The key for a smooth transition is to keep the important bits of the “old” you but to accept – then celebrate – your new role as a mum,’ says Jacqui.

That strikes a chord as the other day a friend asked me for advice about her baby. ‘Great to get tips from an experienced mum,’ she said. Blimey, I suppose I am! After eight years, three kids – and loads of mistakes – it’s now a big part of my identity. Mind you, I might get rid of that cagoule…

How to beat your ID crisis: Jacqui’s top five strategies
1. Confide in other new mums. Be honest about your feelings with other mums who are going through the same things. It’ll make you feel better and you’ll probably have a laugh, too.
2. Do something for you. Choose the one thing that makes you feel like the ‘old’ you. Maybe you miss being sociable, so have a monthly night out. If you love exercise, join a gym, which will make you feel good about yourself.
3. Keep talking. Share your feelings with your partner. It might not be as dramatic, but life has changed for him, too.
4. Give yourself a break. Allow time to adjust to life as a mum. You don’t expect to know everything about a new job overnight, so why should motherhood be any different?
5. Keep a diary. Every day write down three things you got right or enjoyed. Retrain your mind to focus on the positive things you do.

Carol Dyce, Prima Baby magazine