Family and Friends #18

'Generations of Women', by Chad Hill

What was your mother doing when she was your age? What was your grandmother doing? Find out as much as you can about the experiences of the women in your family and gain a fresh understanding of their lives and yours.

When my mother was my age, it was 1985. She had been married for 15 years, had a 13-year-old (yours truly)… and no idea that her world would crumble only four years later, at my father’s unexpected death. She had given up sewing for a living, but her eyes were still good enough to make fine embroideries while waiting for me to come out of French class. Her health was already fragile, but she had had her last surgery three years earlier, and things were relatively stabilised. Her life was not idyllic; her social life was very limited and money was chronically lacking, but it wasn’t particularly hard either, with only a small and increasingly self-sufficient family to look after.

On the other hand, when my grandmother (my mother’s mother) was my age, it was 1955, and a whole other world. She lived in a tiny village in the mountains of Northwestern Greece, a few kilometres away from the village she had been born and raised in. The house naturally had no indoor bathroom and was heated by wood stoves; I think it didn’t even have running water yet. She had been married for 13 years and had four children, aged 12, 9, 4 and 2, who were learning fast to fend for themselves. Apart from the house and children, she kept chickens, maintained a kitchen garden and made cheese from the milk of the goats grandfather herded. A year or so later, she would catch pneumonia, spend a couple of months in hospital and never quite recover fully, but still, she knew how to do so many things that her urban descendants never learned. Her other daughter, at that age, was already fossilised in small town petite bourgeoisie, with 21 years of marriage on her back, a 19-year-old away to university and no perspective beyond coffee mornings with friends.

I know very little about my paternal grandmother’s life, beyond the fact that she birthed nine children over 24 years (my father was the youngest, and the only one not yet born when she was my age), seven of which lived to maturity, and died in her mid-50s. Her one daughter never married and by 1961, when she was my age, with the siblings dispersed and the family house in the village gone, she had settled to a solitary life in town. Sociable, and doting on her nephews and nieces, but already developing the set patterns that make for spinster jokes.

Out of these three generations of women of my family, I’m the first one to learn foreign languages, earn a university degree, work a couple of white-collar jobs, travel (and live) abroad. The financial troubles that have always plagued my family are continuing, and I miss my old life something chronic, but I can’t wish for anything undone. I’ve lived a great romance, the kind that people read about, and if the ending was less than cinematic, it has still given me a life partner of unflinching support and a child, the only one I’m likely to bear, neither of which I would have got if I hadn’t broken away.

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This series will be taking a break during November to allow me to concentrate on NaNoWriMo. There will be inspirational excerpts from DailyOM instead. Resuming in December.

Knowing Who You Are

The movie Eat Pray Love is based upon an individual’s search to find herself. A growing number of people spend much of their time wondering who they really are and what their real life purpose is meant to be.

We in general live a life of luxury. There is little real hardship in the way that we live in the Western world today. We have more money, more creature comforts and a greater ability to pursue myriad activities both near to home and far away. When you are being deprived of basic necessities in life, your focus inevitably remains glued to the task of survival; one doesn’t have time to luxuriate in ponderings about who you are or what your life’s purpose is. Your purpose is simply focused upon staying alive.

And so the more comfort you have in your life, the more time you inevitably have with which to focus your attention upon things of a more philosophical nature. Ironically, the more we have, the more dissatisfied we appear to become, as we simply move our focus on to different things. When, I wonder, will we as a community finally appreciate what we have got and allow ourselves to enjoy a feeling of balance and satisfaction in our lives?

Julia Roberts, in this movie, sets out on a course to find herself which takes her to Rome, India and Bali over the course of a year. In Rome she learns to enjoy food for its taste and not worry about calories or weight gain. She also learns to make platonic friends and to live alone instead of constantly being in one relationship or another. She’s not totally at one with this new experience, but she’s apparently learning from it.

In India she learns to meditate and to further relax her thoughts, to a certain degree. She feels a little more centered but still knows that her journey is not complete. On she moves to Bali. Here she has to face a challenge; can she enter a close relationship without losing herself once more?

I’m sure that many people could empathize with several of the emotional tussles which were being expressed in this movie. Many people wonder who they are or what they should be doing. Many more wonder where their soul mate is and how they are ever going to find them. Some people shy away from relationships because they feel they will lose themselves if they were to commit; others throw themselves into one relationship after another and find themselves molding their habits and behaviors to whoever they are with.

All of these scenarios reflect a certain amount of emotional conflict, instability or insecurity. The quest to find oneself frequently takes people away from home, in search of peace and quiet and tranquility. The fact remains that you find this peace only when your mind becomes peaceful; this does not necessarily mean you have to go away so as to find peace.

Having said this, sometimes one finds it easier to totally change their environment so as to break old habits. The thing to remember, though, is that you generally have to go home at some point and still have to take the peace which you have found back home with you too. Otherwise you have not achieved any long term resolution to emotional turmoil or insecurities.

And when it comes to relationships, if you have really found your peace, and found yourself, you will not fear losing yourself. You will feel confident and secure in being one of two whole people who share a relationship as opposed to being one small fraction of a whole. Fears are only ever borne from your own chosen (although often unconsciously so) perception of a situation.

An alternative approach to finding yourself is to take time examining your thought processes and expectations in life and then focus upon ways in which you could think more powerfully and productively. To feel balanced and satisfied in life you have to learn to feel happy with yourself as you are, to stop comparing yourself to others and instead to feel confident being you.

About the Author
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Sharing Space and Energy

Our homes are our havens. These places where we come to rest, recharge, and dream in safety and comfort allow us to better face the challenges of the world outside our doors. When sharing a living space with others, an awareness of the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved is essential in creating the peace we all desire. Regardless of where we lived before, each time we cohabitate with others it is important that we make the effort to share the space in a way that supports everyone.

We need to remember that in a shared space, everything we sense can also be sensed by another person. Peace will not likely be the result when the senses are filled with the sight of unwashed plates, intrusive sounds, unpleasant smells, the feel of a foreign substance beneath bare feet, or the taste of food tainted by an uncovered onion in the fridge. But if we communicate and listen with respect to those with whom we share a space, we may find that one enjoys washing dishes to end the day, while the other can take out the garbage during their evening walk. Working with another’s schedule, you can still meditate or exercise to your favorite music while the other is out, and save reading for the times when they are trying to sleep. Being thoughtful of the energy that is required for something to be cleaned up may make everyone aware of being neater, whether that means taking off your shoes at the entrance or wiping up juice spilled on the kitchen floor.

In the same way, pent up resentment toward your living partners is just as easily felt. Keeping the energy clear requires the effort of communication, the awareness of another’s feelings, and courtesy toward the space you share. While that sometimes requires changing your schedule or habits, there are many times when having a caring someone nearby is worth all the effort. Living with others can help us learn to mingle our energies at home as well as at work and in the world at large in a way that benefits us and everyone around us.

DailyOM

Small Gestures Make a Big Difference

We often feel that we don’t have the time or energy to extend ourselves to others with the small gestures that compose what we call common courtesy. It sometimes seems that this kind of social awareness belongs to the past, to smaller towns and slower times. Yet, when someone extends this kind of courtesy to us, we always feel touched. Someone who lends a helping hand when we are struggling with our groceries makes an impression because many people just walk right by. Even someone who simply makes the effort to look us in the eye, smile, and greet us properly when entering a room stands out of the crowd. It seems these people carry with them the elegance and grace of another time, and we are always thankful for our contact with them. Common courtesy is a small gesture that makes a big difference.

An essential component of common courtesy is awareness and common sense—looking outside yourself to see when someone needs help or acknowledgment. As a courteous person, you are aware that you are walking into a room full of people or that your waiter has arrived to take your order. Then, awareness leads to action. It is usually quite clear what needs to be done—open the door for the woman holding the baby, move your car up two feet so another person can park behind you, acknowledge your sister’s shy boyfriend with a smile and some conversation, apologize if you bump into someone. A third component is to give courtesy freely, without expecting anything in return. People may not even take notice, much less return the kindness, but you can take heart in the fact that you are creating the kind of world you want to live in with your actions.

When you are out in the world, remember to be aware of others, lend your hand when one is needed, and give this help without an ulterior motive. Through these small actions, you make this world a better place in which to live.

DailyOM

Thoughtful Conclusions About Commitment

Though we may make many commitments throughout our time on earth, few have a lifelong impact on the path our lives will take. The decision to marry someone you love—to bond yourself to them completely—is unlike any other and can reshape your existence. When two people have similar goals, values, and needs, marriage can result in a lifetime partnership of love and respect, shared laughter and tears, friendship, and intimacy that is ultimately fulfilling. Love is often cited as the sole prerequisite of a strong and stable married life. However, the decision to get married should be made with the mind and the soul as well as with the heart. Carefully considering whether you truly want to get married, both individually and as a couple, can ensure that if you do choose to marry, your relationship can grow to unimaginable depths.

The decision-making process you employ to determine whether you should marry should be a thoughtful and honest one in which you appraise not only your partner but also yourself. Consider that love and attraction do not guarantee long-term compatibility. If your relationship is not secure, marriage will not make it so. Likewise, if your partner is not as attentive, loving, or kind as you would like, your becoming spouses will not change that. Marriage has no power to permanently fill any emotional or spiritual gaps in your life. Before you choose to marry, ask yourself whether you and your partner are adept at resolving conflict, can speak openly to one another, and fully respect one another. Your attitudes regarding the nature of marital commitment, children and child rearing, and marital roles may be the same or they may differ. It is your shared responsibility to discuss your similarities and come to agreements regarding your differences that will predict how successful your future marriage will be. Often times, younger couples rush into marriage just for the wedding dress, the ring, the party, and honeymoon. Would you still be willing to be married if you couldn’t have these things?

Remember that planning a wedding is simple when compared to the intricacies of nurturing a marriage. The honeymoon and nesting period will eventually wear off, and what you are left with is a partner for life. When you work together with your partner, reassure and support one another, and are honest about your feelings regarding marriage, you’ll come to the right decision.

DailyOM

Special Messengers

Every person that passes through our lives makes a contribution to our life stories. There are those who play large roles and make deep impressions, but sometimes a brief special appearance before life takes them in another direction creates a meaningful connection. It is a rare gift when they suddenly reappear in our lives after a long absence.

Though the world may seem full of more people than we could ever know, we are often drawn to people with similar energy, which brings us together time and time again. On first meeting, the characters in our life stories may seem familiar. We may know each other from past lives or perhaps we merely recognize the energy of a kindred spirit. But when fate brings old friends back into our lives, there is always a reason. They may act as messengers, reminding us of a part of ourselves we have forgotten to nurture. They might appear to give us a chance to react in a new way to an old situation. They may even bring up unresolved issues so that we may complete them, giving us the chance to move forward on our life path. Whether old friends, previous romances, or once and future partners, their reappearance is more than mere chance. They may never know what they bring into our lives, but the renewed contact is a gift.

If this hasn’t happened to you, maybe you are meant to initiate contact by seeking out old friends. If old friends come to mind or into your dreams, use their appearance as an excuse to get in touch. If an old song or movie reminds you of them, reach out to share the gift of renewed contact. Wherever you fall in the circle of connection and reconnection, be sure to look beyond the surprise of the moment to enjoy the deeper gift that this revelation brings.

DailyOM

Greeting the Divine Spirit

Bowing is a universal gesture of respect and reverence. In many cultures, it is the predominant form of social greeting, and most religions incorporate it into their rituals of worship. In many cases, bowing signifies not only respect but also an acknowledgment of the shared divinity between the bower and the recipient. Bowing can also be a turning in toward our own divinity when we bow our heads in prayer, contemplation, or meditation. Bows range in form from a slight forward nod of the head to a full body prostration on the ground, and range in meaning from a simple greeting to a complete giving over of the self to the divine.

If you have ever bowed or been on the receiving end of a bow, you know that it is different from a handshake or a hug. Bowing has the quality of consciously evoking spirit and conveys a sense of reverence for the people involved. The word “Namaste,” which accompanies bowing in yoga, actually translates as “The divine spirit in me acknowledges the divine spirit in you.” When we greet one another with this kind of awareness, we can’t help but be more conscious that we are deeply connected to one another and to everyone, because this divine spirit resides in all of us.

There are simple bows and complicated bows, and subtle variations carry different meanings depending upon where you are, who you are, and a number of other factors. But we can all practice bowing by simply bringing our two hands together in prayer and pressing the thumb side of our hands lightly into our chests. Keeping a long spine, simply bend your head gently down so that you are looking at the tops of your fingers. Close your eyes and breathe consciously, paying homage to your spirit, the same spirit that resides within all of humanity.

DailyOM