Selfish Saturday: The placebo phase

I’ve been taking my meds for exactly seven days now (to be on the safe side of potential drowsiness, I take them at bedtime, so obviously I haven’t taken my eighth dose yet). I was told it would take about two weeks for my system to adjust to them. I shouldn’t expect instant results, and I shouldn’t give up if side effects made me feel worse during this time. That much was clear.

I’m actually feeling better. Not ‘wow, I’ve got my mojo back!’ better – no instant results, remember? – but definitely ‘at least I’m all here’ better. My husband says I’m sleeping better; apparently, I used to relax completely in sleep, like cats do, lost that as the tension piled up, and now I’m getting it back already. Well, that would explain why I actually feel reasonably rested in the morning, to the point of waking up early by myself, even though I have so far failed to add more sleep hours to my night.

My energy food cravings are subsiding already. The muesli I remind myself to have for breakfast actually keeps me going until lunch. I still snack on chocolate – I know better than go cold turkey – but I haven’t had a ‘need a sugar rush to make it through the day’ moment all week. I drink more tea, actual or herbal. It helps me deal with the absolutely miserable weather we’re still having.

I still haven’t got my creative urge back, so my writing is suffering, but I’m trusting on better days to come soon.

Selfish Saturday: The starting point

I haven’t done much actual writing here in a long time. A quick check back shows that my last original piece was back in October. I took a break for NaNoWriMo, promised to be back in December, and never did.

For those who know me, that’s sobering (where did the time go???), but not unexpected. My health had been failing gradually for a long time, and finally there was not enough creativity or sheer energy to sustain the habit. It got worse from there.

After an entire winter of misery, with more time feeling ill than well, and a few weeks of spring when the weather improved but my health didn’t, I gave up and went to see my doctor. He listened to the laundry list of symptoms (fatigue, lethargy, low immunity, headaches, muscle cramps, joint pain, weight gain) and sent me straight to do bloodwork. I was relieved already: I would be tested for anaemia, diabetes, hypothyroidism, liver and kidney damage; if there was some physical reason for my condition, it would be found.

Except that all the tests came back clear, so, just as I had primed myself to accept the fact of physical illness and treatment, I had to start looking elsewhere again.

The doctor suggested the next level should be looking into the mind. In that respect, ‘not a good year’ doesn’t even begin to describe 2011. Dealing with illness in the family, long-term unemployment followed by still-chancy employment, and having to be the strong one and keep everyone together… there was an enormous amount of stress on me, going on and on and on, and all my de-stressing strategies, like my yoga and meditation practices and ‘girl alone in town’ time had fallen by the wayside, due to lack of funds first and worsening physical condition later.

I had literally worried myself sick.

So, two weeks before my 40th birthday, I’m joining the ranks of antidepressant users. I am kinda leery of the medication itself; I’ve seen it work on my husband last year, but I’ve seen the withdrawal process as well, and the list of possible side effects on the leaflet has really spooked me, but I keep reminding myself that it’s a prop, a crutch until I can stand on my own again. There is much more work that I have to do myself, and this is what I will be chronicling here, week after week.

I’m calling the module Selfish rather than Sick Saturdays, because the journey I’m starting is more about reclaiming my old self, before stress and depression got to chipping away at it, and that will go much further than ditching the sickness. The doctor sent me away with a bunch of lifestyle change suggestions on top of the prescription – changes that I’d do well to make as permanent as possible.

This is my primer for the effort: 13 Things to Avoid When Changing Habits. (zenhabits as a whole is a fab place if you’re looking for lightbulb moments. Just saying.)

So, for the next couple of weeks or so, I’m going to concentrate on eating better – more raw fruit and veg, and curbing those salt and sugar cravings – and getting enough sleep. I think that’s all I’ll be able to manage while my system is getting used to the meds.

Seeing Your Perfection

We are each born into this world with unique gifts. Within us is a glimmer of the divine, a light that can potentially make the world a more beautiful place. But in many, that light lies dormant, snuffed out by fears and feelings of inadequacy. To spark it is to attract attention, face the possibility of rejection or the responsibility of success, and risk being labeled immodest. Yet when we undermine the light by hiding our aptitudes and quashing our dreams, we deny ourselves and others a wealth of experiences. Your abilities are a part of who you are and when you take pride in them, you affirm the love, esteem, and trust with which you view yourself. Moreover, as you express the light within, you grant others permission to do the same, freeing them to explore their own talents.

For some, we are taught to hide our light from the world since childhood. Relatives caution us that the professions associated with our aptitudes are unattainable. Our peers may be envious of our skills and thus overly critical of the activities we instinctively enjoy. And authority figures admonish us to be humble and avoid showing off. But there is a vast chasm that separates those who let their light shine and those who seek only to draw attention to themselves. When you dare to share your light with the world, the beauty and perfection of your soul become clearly visible. You become a whole being—the literal embodiment of your vast potential. Whether you are a wonderful dancer, a first-rate cook, quick with numbers, or a natural negotiator, you’ll come to understand that you do the world no favors when you hold yourself back.

If you have hidden your light for so long that it has shrunk to an ember, make a list of everything you do well, however impractical, silly, or seemingly inconsequential. Then ask yourself how you can positively utilize those abilities in your daily life. The gifts you were born with were not granted to you arbitrarily. While you may never discover what impact your light has had on others, you can be certain that when you embrace your talents and share them with others, you will spread illumination in the world.

DailyOM

Transforming a Misperception

We all know what it feels like to want something we don’t have. It may be a pair of expensive jeans, a romantic partner, or rent money; it may be a certain attitude, a car, or a savings account. This is part of life, and in the best-case scenario, we experience a constant flow of money and material possessions, companions and experiences, in and out of our lives. However, many of us linger in a state of wanting and not having, a state of lack that never seems to subside. We consistently perceive ourselves as not having what we need or not having what we want. This is an energetically draining state to be in. It is also self-perpetuating because how we feel about ourselves determines what we are able to create for ourselves.

How we feel profoundly influences how we perceive our reality. When we feel we are lacking, we look around and see what is not there. On the other hand, if we feel abundant, we can look at the very same situation and see a completely different picture, one full of blessings and advantages. The more we see the blessings, the more abundant we feel, and the more blessings we attract. Similarly, if we see lack, we tend to create and attract that energy.

If you find yourself habitually residing in a feeling of lack, it may be due to a core belief formed in your childhood or even in a past life. It may be because you are out of touch with your inner divinity, which is the source of your abundance. In any case, know that your perception of lack is a misperception that can be corrected with awareness and effort. It can be as simple as taking 10 or 15 minutes each day to quiet your mind and imagine yourself in a state of unlimited abundance, handling the financial demands and others in your life with total ease, drawing from an endless supply of resources. Know that it is your birthright to be fully supported in the fulfillment of your needs and desires.

DailyOM

Working with a Larger Energy

The expression going with the flow is a metaphor that applies to navigating a river. When we go with the flow, we follow the current of the river rather than push against it. People who go with the flow may be interpreted as lazy or passive, but to truly go with the flow requires awareness, presence, and the ability to blend one’s own energy with the prevailing energy. Going with the flow doesn’t mean we toss our oars into the water and kick back in the boat, hoping for the best. Going with the flow means we let go of our individual agenda and notice the play of energy all around us. We tap into that energy and flow with it, which gets us going where we need to go a whole lot faster than resistance will.

Going with the flow doesn’t mean that we don’t know where we’re going; it means that we are open to multiple ways of getting there. We are also open to changing our destination, clinging more to the essence of our goal than to the particulars. We acknowledge that letting go and modifying our plans is part of the process. Going with the flow means that we are aware of an energy that is larger than our small selves and we are open to working with it, not against it.

Many of us are afraid of going with the flow because we don’t trust that we will get where we want to go if we do. This causes us to cling to plans that aren’t working, stick to routes that are obstructed, and obsess over relationships that aren’t fulfilling. When you find yourself stuck in these kinds of patterns, do yourself a favor and open to the flow of what is rather than resisting it. Trust that the big river of your life has a plan for you and let it carry you onward. Throw overboard those things that are weighing you down. Be open to revising your maps. Take a deep breath and move into the current.

DailyOM

Stoking the Fire Within

There are certain personality archetypes that we all carry within us, such as the inner child, the lover, and the mother. Some of these archetypes present themselves strongly, while others lay fallow. For example, there is an inner warrior in each one of us, but in some of us this warrior is underdeveloped to the point that we are unable to stand up for ourselves, even when necessary. There can be many reasons for this. We may have grown up with a parent whose warrior aspect was overdeveloped, and we responded by repressing ours completely. On the other hand, we may have grown up with parents in whom this aspect was dormant, so we never learned to awaken it in ourselves.

A warrior is someone with the strength to stand up for what he or she believes; someone who perseveres in the face of challenges and obstacles; someone who speaks and acts in the service of an ideal; someone who protects those who are too weak to fight for themselves. Regardless of the reasons for an underdeveloped inner warrior, you may begin to notice the lack of its fiery, protective presence and wish to awaken it. You may need to stand up for yourself in a certain relationship or situation, or you may have a vision you want to realize, and you know you will need the courage, energy, and strength of a warrior to succeed. Similarly, if you find that you often feel scared, anxious, or powerless, rousing this sleeping ally may be just the antidote you need.

One excellent way to cultivate the presence of your inner warrior is to choose a role model who embodies the qualities of bravery, strength, and vitality. This person could be a character in a myth, movie, or book, or a historical or living person you admire. Simply close your eyes each day and contemplate the quality of energy that attracts you to this person, knowing that the same potential lives within you. Confirm for yourself that you are capable of handling this energy responsibly, and stoke the fire of your own inner courage.

DailyOM

Alive in Joy

There are scores of people in the world who seem to be magnets for calamity. They live their lives jumping from one difficult to the next, surrounded by unstable individuals. Some believe themselves victims of fate and decry a universe they regard as malevolent. Others view their chaotic circumstances as just punishments for some failing within. Yet, in truth, neither group has been fated or consigned to suffer. They are likely unconsciously drawing drama into their lives, attracting catastrophe through their choices, attitudes, and patterns of thought. Drama, however disastrous, can be exciting and stimulating. But the thrill of pandemonium eventually begins to frustrate the soul and drain the energy of all who embrace it. To halt this process, we must understand the root of our drama addiction, be aware of our reactions, and be willing to accept that a serene, joyful life need not be a boring one.

Many people, so used to living in the dramatic world they create, feel uncomfortable when confronted with the prospect of a lifetime of peace and contentment. The drama in their lives serves multiple purposes. Upset causes excitement, prompting the body to manufacture adrenaline, which produces a pleasurable surge of energy. For those seeking affection in the form of sympathy, drama forms the basis of their identity as a victim. And when drama is familial, many people believe they can avoid abandonment by continuing to play a key role in the established family dynamic. The addiction to drama is fed by the intensity of the feelings evoked during bouts of conflict, periods of uncertainty, and upheaval.

Understanding where the subconscious need for drama stems from is the key to addressing it effectively. Journaling can help you transfer this need from your mind onto a benign piece of paper. After repeated writing sessions, your feelings regarding the mayhem, hurt feelings, and confusion often associated with drama become clear. When you confront your emotional response to drama and the purpose it serves in your life, you can reject it. Each time you consciously choose not to take part in dramatic situations or associate with dramatic people, you create space in your inner being that is filled with a calm and tranquil stillness and becomes an asset in your quest to lead a more centered life.

DailyOM