I haven’t done much actual writing here in a long time. A quick check back shows that my last original piece was back in October. I took a break for NaNoWriMo, promised to be back in December, and never did.
For those who know me, that’s sobering (where did the time go???), but not unexpected. My health had been failing gradually for a long time, and finally there was not enough creativity or sheer energy to sustain the habit. It got worse from there.
After an entire winter of misery, with more time feeling ill than well, and a few weeks of spring when the weather improved but my health didn’t, I gave up and went to see my doctor. He listened to the laundry list of symptoms (fatigue, lethargy, low immunity, headaches, muscle cramps, joint pain, weight gain) and sent me straight to do bloodwork. I was relieved already: I would be tested for anaemia, diabetes, hypothyroidism, liver and kidney damage; if there was some physical reason for my condition, it would be found.
Except that all the tests came back clear, so, just as I had primed myself to accept the fact of physical illness and treatment, I had to start looking elsewhere again.
The doctor suggested the next level should be looking into the mind. In that respect, ‘not a good year’ doesn’t even begin to describe 2011. Dealing with illness in the family, long-term unemployment followed by still-chancy employment, and having to be the strong one and keep everyone together… there was an enormous amount of stress on me, going on and on and on, and all my de-stressing strategies, like my yoga and meditation practices and ‘girl alone in town’ time had fallen by the wayside, due to lack of funds first and worsening physical condition later.
I had literally worried myself sick.
So, two weeks before my 40th birthday, I’m joining the ranks of antidepressant users. I am kinda leery of the medication itself; I’ve seen it work on my husband last year, but I’ve seen the withdrawal process as well, and the list of possible side effects on the leaflet has really spooked me, but I keep reminding myself that it’s a prop, a crutch until I can stand on my own again. There is much more work that I have to do myself, and this is what I will be chronicling here, week after week.
I’m calling the module Selfish rather than Sick Saturdays, because the journey I’m starting is more about reclaiming my old self, before stress and depression got to chipping away at it, and that will go much further than ditching the sickness. The doctor sent me away with a bunch of lifestyle change suggestions on top of the prescription – changes that I’d do well to make as permanent as possible.
This is my primer for the effort: 13 Things to Avoid When Changing Habits. (zenhabits as a whole is a fab place if you’re looking for lightbulb moments. Just saying.)
So, for the next couple of weeks or so, I’m going to concentrate on eating better – more raw fruit and veg, and curbing those salt and sugar cravings – and getting enough sleep. I think that’s all I’ll be able to manage while my system is getting used to the meds.